The Good and The Bad in Pregnancy
Pregnancy is such a special and unique experience. There is power in creating life inside of your body. We always hear about pregnancy’s joys and beautiful parts: the glow, the bump, and the creative Instagram photoshoots. Yet, we rarely hear or speak about the less attractive and more challenging moments that come with pregnancy.
As I write this, I am past 20 weeks, over halfway there! I am writing this blog post because the process is wild, especially in the first trimester. At times, it can feel lonely and overwhelming. Knowledge is power – the power to control the fear, the anxiety, and the shame of admitting that things aren’t always great. I am not in a position to provide any knowledge or advice regarding this topic, but I can share my experience. I hope it can ease the mind of all pregnant moms, those preparing to be moms, and those who want to be moms. What I am ethically trying to say is pregnancy can be fucking hard. Everything is transitioning – your body, your home, your world. Anyone would struggle with that from time to time. You are not alone.
What Saved Me
The first trimester can be all-consuming. It’s a huge thing happening in your life. Not many people know about the pregnancy, and you often don’t feel like yourself mentally, emotionally, or physically. Even if you feel blissful and are one of the lucky few who feel great, the first trimester can be tricky to navigate. A few things I ‘accidentally’ did (and I say accidentally because I had no damn clue what I was doing) made the 14-week period bearable.
- I had a Person: At the point in time when Kody and I started talking about having children and what our timeline looked like, I reached out to a well-trusted person in my life, my cousin Kelsey. I confided in Kelsey about my concern with fertility, when I should get on daycare waiting lists, how children will change the dynamic of Kody and I’s relationship, and so much more. Kelsey holds a wealth of knowledge between her experience with her kiddos and over a decade of work as an OB nurse. Kelsey was, and still is, my safe place. She provides honest advice while offering comforting support. Weeks 5-11 were my most challenging thus far. Implantation cramps scared the hell out of me. Was I already showing, or was I bloated? Are boobs supposed to hurt this bad, and when do they stop growing/swelling? Is it normal to fall asleep while sitting straight up? I was ALWAYS tired! I still remember texting Kels in the middle of the day, freaking out that I had been drinking herbal tea nonstop. Apparently, too much herbal tea can cause miscarriage, and I was drinking A LOT. Her response was so chill that it completely took my anxiety away. (FYI: After further research, herbal teas are 100% safe to drink as long as FDA regulates the brand). Having one person that was always a text or phone call away, that knew all my dirty details, saved me from going down many Google search rabbit holes. Kelsey saved me multiple meltdowns by providing me with her safe ear. Kelsey is the person who has been willing to travel my journey with me unselfishly. Find your one person.
- Telling People: The internet will suggest not telling people you are expecting until after your first trimester. Logically, that makes sense because, statistically, the probability of miscarrying after the first trimester significantly decreases. I knew we were not telling family and close friends until we made it through the first trimester. That was non-negotiable for both of us. On the other hand, I value transparency. Although I don’t show emotion through crying, I will verbally communicate every emotion I am feeling to those I spend time around daily. Pregnancy provokes feelings and unwanted symptoms, and it wasn’t that I couldn’t hide or suppress those at work, but I didn’t want to. I spend more time at work than at home, so I told my co-workers after our 6-week ultrasound, along with the coaches at the CrossFit gym I attend. I knew the consequence of releasing the news would be telling them if I miscarried, but I was okay with that. I believe in vulnerability, and telling the people I spend my days around allowed me to feel all my feels and be 100% transparent on my bad days.
- Communicate EVERYTHING with Your Partner: Before conception, Kody expressed that he could only support me if I were honest about what was happening inside my head. From then on, I found time to communicate my needs, wants, and emotions to Kody. I would tell him I needed to spend the weekend sleeping when exhaustion took over. I told him when I wanted him to encourage me when I was feeling defeated about my body changing. I told him when I was feeling agitated, sad, or fearful for no particular reason. I was scared a lot in the first trimester. I was terrified to do something that would hurt the baby, but I was mainly afraid of miscarriage. Kody frequently reminded me of two things: 1) what happens to us happens for us, and 2) nothing is wrong with the baby until we have a reason to believe something is wrong. I had a difficult time getting good sleep early in my pregnancy. I was experiencing terrible insomnia. It was early Saturday morning, and since I didn’t have to go to school, I decided to wake up. Maybe some hot tea and the recliner would help the cramping I was encountering. At 3:00 am, you don’t pay much attention when you use the bathroom, but when I looked down, all I saw was blood. I didn’t take the time to respond. I reacted by running upstairs and shaking Kody awake. My voice was shaky, so it took me three times to say that I may be having a miscarriage before Kody registered my words. I went to the bathroom, sat down, and started sobbing. Kody walked into the bathroom and said, “You need to stop crying. I don’t think that you miscarried. Let’s go downstairs and watch a movie until you fall back asleep. What movie do you want to watch? And you need to stop crying.” I said, “The Grinch.” Kody’s response may seem insensitive to you, but if you know me at all, he gave me exactly what I needed. I needed to be told everything was okay, but most importantly, I needed him at that moment, which is what he gave me. That Monday, we went to our doctor and were told I had a subchorionic hemorrhage. An SCH is bleeding under one of the membranes surrounding the embryo inside the uterus. Although I was restricted from all exercise, there was a heartbeat! I can’t imagine going through this process without a supporting partner. I am most grateful for having a partner who hears me. I genuinely believe that having open communication has allowed us to voice our fears and excitement throughout this journey.
Well, there you have it!
Probably more detail than anyone asked for about my first trimester: the ups and downs, the moments of weakness, and the accidental wins. There is beauty in surrendering to the process for those of you who are used to being in control. Acknowledging that pregnancy, what I am doing right now, is more significant than me. I hope that some of this information can be a resource. Most of all, thank you for the outpouring of love and support for us and our lil one.
Cheers, friends!