My childhood best friend texted me in November and asked, “How have you been doing balancing work, mothering, Wifing? How’s your pelvic floor?”
I responded, “I think I’d be lying if I said it’s been all going well.” And then I unloaded.
I feel guilty when I unload. It feels like complaining. I look at my life with Kody and Marlow; this is all I have ever wished for. I have a healthy child and a husband who loves me on my bad days. Looking at the big picture, I honestly couldn’t ask for more.
As I was trying to find a way to respond with honesty to my best friend, I found it easiest to describe life as a puzzle. In my late twenties, I had figured out my priorities. I knew how to place my relationships, health, work balance, and social life into my puzzle. I knew which piece was the biggest and which piece I put first.
In June 2023, my puzzle gained a new piece. It is a vast, precious piece I placed right in the center.
After describing this silly puzzle, I realized that I was talking about something ubiquitous that comes with parenthood: identity shifts. Everyone tells you what to pack in your hospital bag and the ‘must have’ registry items, but there aren’t any conversations about managing the emotional and mental shifts that happen when you become a Mom (or Dad).
Out of curiosity (mostly frustration) about my recent irritability and temperament, I started poking around and reading literature on the subject. Multiple articles used the term “matrescence”, the process of becoming a mother. The term was coined in 1973 and encompasses the hormonal, emotional, physical, and mental changes that happen when you have a baby. The whole concept reminded me of adolescence. The awkward teenage years when you felt like you didn’t know who you were or what you wanted and lacked any self-confidence.
I started to reflect (and I’m still in the process). I am realizing that the things that used to fulfill me no longer do the trick. Or at least, those puzzle pieces have shrunk and are no longer the first pieces I gravitate towards.
I understood that having a child was a significant life transition, but I did not prepare myself for the major shift in identity that I would undergo. To be blunt, I am still working through the reflective process. I lost touch with my identity, the core of who I am, and that has been earth-shattering. When you don’t know who you are, you sometimes feel like nobody at all. Currently, I am reflecting on who I am NOW. Not who I think I should be, who I was, or who I will be.
I am learning to embrace this new identity and love it for what it is. Having patience is a virtue, but definitely not my forte. My hope is that new parents (and I consider Dads, too) realize that they are not alone in feeling lost and frustrated in the world of parenthood. You went through a big life event. There is no timeline for having things figured out.
For me, this means allowing who I am and what I want to change. I can only trust that I am doing what is best for my family in the phase that we are in right now. This is my season of surrender, being in the moment, going with the flow, letting life be messy at times, and embracing every inch of that. I know my other seasons are coming, but I will bask in this one and give it my whole heart right now.
My puzzle is the same size, but new pieces have been added; some have grown, and others have shrunk. I will continue to shuffle and resize the pieces as time evolves. My puzzle may look slightly different now than it did in my twenties, and that’s okay. It’s not better or worse. It’s just different, and it includes a Marlow Girl!