Skylar Berget

Wife. Mom. Teacher.

Becoming A Mom Changed My Perspective

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My whole perspective on life has changed. Everything I once thought was important no longer occupies space in my thoughts. I dreamed about having a white house with a big porch. I lost summer weeks and gave up evenings at home to work extra jobs to fill my bank account. Time in the gym was insufficient if it didn’t result in a six-pack. I am a creature of habit, and I filled my days with endless tasks; the hustle was all I lived for. Owning a house, a substantial bank account, a shined-up vehicle, the ideal body, and a career people respected – that’s what success is, right? 

Not a soul uttered these words in the nine months leading up to Poppy’s arrival: ‘You’re about to meet someone entirely new. And it’s not your baby, it’s going to be you.’ Yet, this is the truth I’ve come to realize. My values remain unchanged, but my perspective has shifted. 

I’ve come to embrace the joy of simplicity. True happiness isn’t confined to a big white house. It’s found in Marlow’s smile peaking through the bars of her crib, illuminated by the morning light. A large backyard isn’t necessary to enjoy a BBQ; our five-by-five-foot area in front of our garage is just as delightful. I no longer trade my evenings at home for a $60 check from officiating basketball games. Instead, I treasure our family walks to Sweet Peaks or moments on the stoop with Marlow Bug cooing and diving for ants. 

I used to dedicate my early morning hours to fitness. It took me a while to be okay with whatever workout I did during my lunch hour these last few months. The lack of fitness resulted in a lot of frustration and resentment. Kody asked me what my fitness goals are. Easy, ” I want to be healthy. I want to feel good. I want to be able to snow ski with my grandchildren in my 70’s.” Nowhere in our conversation did I talk about what my body should look like. I found my entire view of my body had shifted. I used to criticize it; no matter my strength or endurance, it was never good enough. Now, I have nothing but respect for what my body did and can do. It nourished Marlow from when she was a PoppySeed until she was seven months old Earthside. Isn’t that incredible? I now accept the cellulite and stretch marks. I discovered that our bodies aren’t meant to be forced into what we think they should look like, but they need to be respected for everything they are capable of. 

I am so proud of my career as a teacher. I love teaching children, and even if I were financially able to stay at home, I would still choose to teach America’s Youth. I never missed school. I am still determining if it was pride or a hustle mentality, but I wasn’t willing to miss a school day—until this year. I am embarrassed to look up how many sick days I have taken this school year to be home with Miss. Marlow Girl on days she wasn’t feeling well. My students will survive the day without me, and work will always be there the next day. 

Don’t get me wrong, there are moments when my brain questions my new perspective on life. Old habits are hard to break. However, there are places in your heart you don’t even know exist until you love a child. What once was important in the past seems funny in the present moment. 

I often think about the end of my life. At the end of my living days, whether that is next week or in 40 years, what truly matters? Spending moments with the ones I love and who love me. It’s that simple. 

I will never again wish for a big house. I will only hope for a home where my whole family lives. 

I don’t need a substantial bank account. I only need enough money to fulfill our basic needs. 

Daily exercise and overall health is perfectly okay at this stage of life. 

Work will never take precedence over family. 

If you are able to tuck in a healthy, peacefully sleeping child into a warm bed in a safe home, you’ve won the lottery of life. 

I am a living millionaire. 

The Significance of Dad 

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I teach a gratitude lesson to my students each year. I usually introduce it around the Holiday season, but I had too much fun teaching PE games in November and December this year. (My teaching partner and I created a new version of Quidditch and The Hunger Games). This last week, I sat my students down in Health Room #2 and pulled up the lecture slides to “The Power of Gratitude.” The closing assignment asks students to write a handwritten letter to someone in their life who has impacted and positively influenced them. I like to call this person ‘their trusted adult.’ I have also written a letter to someone in my life for seven years. This year will be my eighth letter. I told my students I am writing my letter to my Dad this year. I paused as I said this because I was slightly embarrassed that it’s taken me eight years to write a gratitude letter to my Dad. I have started writing the letter but have not finished it. (Maybe I should do that instead of writing this blog post). This gratitude letter to my Dad has proved to be challenging to write, and it’s not because of all the detailed reasons I am grateful for him but because I realized how much I fear losing him.

I have been a Daddy’s Girl for as long as I can remember. I am sure my Mom would confirm this. What does being a Daddy’s Girl mean? It is so much more than being a daughter to a Dad. I have watched my brother and his relationship with his oldest, Vivianne. I observe Kody and Marlow together. Marlow Girl loses her balance from excitement when Kody opens the front door, and her eyes follow him around the room until he gives her attention. The common factor I observe is that the daughter often looks to the Dad for acceptance, attention, and affirmation. I should clarify that us daughters need our Mom, too. We look to our Mom for safety and security. That’s a different Blog Post, though.

I didn’t realize that I sought out the three A’s from my Dad until I started drafting the gratitude letter. I remembered personal, detailed moments forever ingrained in my memory. I recalled the countless times in my teenage and early adult years when my Dad rescued me from heartbreak or opened up his home many times when I was temporarily homeless; however, some more recent memories sparked my gratitude letter.

It is customary for a man to ask the Father if he can marry his daughter. Kody asked my Dad. I am not even sure how that conversation went. Considering I am married, my Dad must have given his blessing. Additionally, it is common for the Dad to walk his daughter down the aisle during the wedding ceremony. What is the significance of this event? I looked it up. “Fathers walking their daughter down the aisle and giving their daughter, the bride, away represents a transfer of ownership from the father to her new husband.” It was interesting when family and friends found out Kody, and I went to the courthouse to get married and realized that we had no plans for a future ceremony or reception. Many individuals asked me about the absent act of my Father walking me down the aisle. My Dad and I had many conversations about Kody and I getting married and the lack of the traditional Father/Daughter walk and dance. What mattered to me was that my Dad trusts Kody and views him as genuine and honest. My Dad and I talked about what marriage symbolized. My point is that we talked about marriage, not a wedding, which made the conversations special. I could be wrong by assuming, but I don’t believe I screwed my Dad over by choosing not to have a wedding. Instead, I included him in my bundled emotions of marriage. I valued his opinions, advice, and approval of my marriage with Kody.

This past year, I became a parent. I hope to be half the parent that my Mom and Dad were for me. Over the past eight months of motherhood, there have been many tears of frustration and joy. It happens that in the times I have spent with my Dad since becoming a parent, Marlow was doing Marlow things; she caught her first cold while we were staying with my Dad in September, had a cold/flu when we met in Missoula for a Griz game, and was trying to cut some teeth during Christmas. My Dad coined Marlow with the nickname Nervous Nelly – the girl who never sits still. Marlow Girl is always up to something. She’s never been simple. Anyway, as usual, my Dad hugged me when we were parting ways after Christmas dinner. He said, “You are a good Mom. I am proud of you.” I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear that from my Dad until after he said it.

I reflect, and my mind swirls with remembrances of significant and simple moments. I will cherish these flashes of memories that fill my heart with gratitude. I have realized that putting all my appreciation in one gratitude letter is impossible. Simply put, I am blessed to have memories and fortunate to continue making memories to treasure.

I thank all the devoted Dads out there. I thank you for your love, patience, and sacrifice. It can’t be an easy road to raise a daughter in today’s world, but eventually, we ladies grow up and realize the significance you had on our development and character.

This year, I am grateful that the lesson on the power of gratitude allowed me to reflect and recognize how blessed I am to have a Dad who always answers his phone, hugs me goodbye, and says I Love You at the end of each conversation.

The Pieces to the Puzzle Shifted 

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My childhood best friend texted me in November and asked, “How have you been doing balancing work, mothering, Wifing? How’s your pelvic floor?”

I responded, “I think I’d be lying if I said it’s been all going well.” And then I unloaded.

I feel guilty when I unload. It feels like complaining. I look at my life with Kody and Marlow; this is all I have ever wished for. I have a healthy child and a husband who loves me on my bad days. Looking at the big picture, I honestly couldn’t ask for more.

As I was trying to find a way to respond with honesty to my best friend, I found it easiest to describe life as a puzzle. In my late twenties, I had figured out my priorities. I knew how to place my relationships, health, work balance, and social life into my puzzle. I knew which piece was the biggest and which piece I put first.

In June 2023, my puzzle gained a new piece. It is a vast, precious piece I placed right in the center.

After describing this silly puzzle, I realized that I was talking about something ubiquitous that comes with parenthood: identity shifts. Everyone tells you what to pack in your hospital bag and the ‘must have’ registry items, but there aren’t any conversations about managing the emotional and mental shifts that happen when you become a Mom (or Dad).

Out of curiosity (mostly frustration) about my recent irritability and temperament, I started poking around and reading literature on the subject. Multiple articles used the term “matrescence”, the process of becoming a mother. The term was coined in 1973 and encompasses the hormonal, emotional, physical, and mental changes that happen when you have a baby. The whole concept reminded me of adolescence. The awkward teenage years when you felt like you didn’t know who you were or what you wanted and lacked any self-confidence.

I started to reflect (and I’m still in the process). I am realizing that the things that used to fulfill me no longer do the trick. Or at least, those puzzle pieces have shrunk and are no longer the first pieces I gravitate towards.

I understood that having a child was a significant life transition, but I did not prepare myself for the major shift in identity that I would undergo. To be blunt, I am still working through the reflective process. I lost touch with my identity, the core of who I am, and that has been earth-shattering. When you don’t know who you are, you sometimes feel like nobody at all. Currently, I am reflecting on who I am NOW. Not who I think I should be, who I was, or who I will be.

I am learning to embrace this new identity and love it for what it is. Having patience is a virtue, but definitely not my forte. My hope is that new parents (and I consider Dads, too) realize that they are not alone in feeling lost and frustrated in the world of parenthood. You went through a big life event. There is no timeline for having things figured out.

For me, this means allowing who I am and what I want to change. I can only trust that I am doing what is best for my family in the phase that we are in right now. This is my season of surrender, being in the moment, going with the flow, letting life be messy at times, and embracing every inch of that. I know my other seasons are coming, but I will bask in this one and give it my whole heart right now.

My puzzle is the same size, but new pieces have been added; some have grown, and others have shrunk. I will continue to shuffle and resize the pieces as time evolves. My puzzle may look slightly different now than it did in my twenties, and that’s okay. It’s not better or worse. It’s just different, and it includes a Marlow Girl!

The Truth Isn’t Always Pretty

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Ever since I can remember, I have been a writer. Not professional. I write to express my emotions. It started with journaling, I dabbled in poetry, went back to journaling, and now I have this Blog. I have been feeling very emotionally heavy lately, and I wanted to release my thoughts with a Blog post, so I wrote Twelve Weeks of Motherhood this morning. Typically, after I write, I feel so much lighter. This afternoon, as I drove to the gym, I almost cried. I don’t feel lighter. I feel worse. Everything I wrote in Twelve Weeks of Motherhood was factual, but it wasn’t the entire truth. I usually don’t hold back when putting my thoughts and emotions to paper, but I did today. Postpartum has been incredibly difficult, and if I’m being honest with myself, I haven’t quit yet wrapped my head around how I feel, which might be why I had such a hard time writing this morning’s post, Twelve Weeks of Motherhood.  

I feel angry. I feel guilty. I feel isolated. I feel loved and supported. 

I feel angry that postpartum recovery has been so challenging. I expected tearing and being sore. I prepared myself to lay low for six weeks. I even had a plan in case Postpartum Depression presented. I didn’t expect to have zero control of my bladder for weeks. The Moms at the gym always joked about wearing leggings if jump rope is in the workout, but I wasn’t experiencing a lil leaking. I, in fact, no longer had any control of my bladder. One evening, I asked Kody to hold Marlow, and as I stood up, I became wet from my urine. Was this supposed to happen? Was this normal? I laughed at losing all my dignity during the labor and delivery, but I hoped to regain it once we were discharged. 

Exercising while pregnant was easy. I found it informative and enjoyable. I was worried I wouldn’t return to fitness postpartum correctly, so I purchased an eight-week certified postpartum fitness program. A few weeks into the program, I started to experience pulling on my pelvic floor. I couldn’t lunge, plank, jump, jog, or do a burpee. I took the six weeks off. I followed the programming. What am I doing wrong? Why was I in so much pain? All I wanted to do was sweat. I feel like my body is failing me. 

I was angry. I am angry. 

I feel guilty. I love teaching. I miss my students and was sad I missed the first day of school. I find so much joy in the teaching and socialization of my everyday work life. I am excited to go back in October. Once Marlow is in daycare, I can workout for 45 minutes without being interrupted to feed Marlow or put a binky back in her mouth. I also feel sad that our days together are ending. I love cuddling her while sipping coffee every morning. I know I am going to miss these days. I feel a push/pull. I am excited to return to work, but I don’t want to wish any days away. Mostly, I feel guilty. 

Many of us hold many titles in our daily lives: spouse, daughter, friend, coach, co-worker. I know many new Moms lose their sense of identity as they transition into their new role of a constant caretaker. In this transition, I feel isolated. I know so many others have experienced this same shift. It doesn’t matter how often I talk about the loneliness with Kody or how many friends I talk to daily, it is still isolating. I know the root of isolation is learning MY new responsibilities and routines. This is my new normal, and I have to process the changes. 

Mostly, I feel loved. The outreach of support from all my social branches has been overwhelming in the best way possible. There has never been a moment that I haven’t felt supported. I have had family and friends to confide in through every high and low. And I have Kody. Many say that the Dad can’t do much if the Mom is breastfeeding, but the truth is the Mom needs her husband the most in the first months. On the days I feel angry, he reminds me that my body carried and nourished our lil girl. On the days I feel guilty, Kody tells me he is proud of the Mom I am to Marlow. On the days I feel isolated, he hugs me. I feel loved. 

The first twelve weeks of motherhood have been a beautiful mess. Postpartum has been hell. It has come with challenges, fears, and LOTS of emotions. The truth isn’t always pretty. 

Twelve Weeks of Motherhood

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I have been wanting to write about the experience of motherhood /parenthood for a couple of weeks now. I have so many thoughts I don’t know where to begin. I will share what I’ve learned, what has helped me most, and what I’ve discovered about myself. 

Pushing Against Martyr Mom 

Social media paints motherhood as an endless rough patch of sleepless nights, tears, and loss of identity and social life. I’m not saying this doesn’t happen. I didn’t sleep for more than three consecutive hours for the first month. Tears have fallen from frustration and fatigue. Feelings of identity loss have surfaced, and my social life looks different than it once did. 

I knew motherhood would be difficult, and I was very worried about Postpartum Depression because I know so many women experience it. 

Kody and I intentionally put a plan in place to ensure I was supported in the case PPD presented. Kody’s role entailed taking care of me. He was very headstrong about me being honest and open with my emotions. (I tend to crawl into a hole and suppress my feelings – hold habits). He made me promise I would ask for help. As for me, I was adamant about not subscribing to the ‘martyr mom’ narrative, and I knew the solution to combat that was to ensure I was doing what I could not to lose myself. Some of those plans included returning to work in October and daily movement. 

I get asked if I plan to stay home with Marlow or at least take a year off teaching. We secured Marlow a full-time spot in daycare starting in October so I could return to work. I don’t have to work; I choose to teach because it fills my soul. Marlow and I would have all joyful days together if I stayed home with her, but that’s not best for me or our family. 

Exercise looks different for me right now. I am still processing postpartum and working through unanticipated recovery challenges. I am learning to adapt to what my body can do in the season that I am in. Somedays, movement is simply pushing Marlow in the stroller for ten minutes. 

The moral of the story is, to be honest with yourself. Set boundaries and expectations that allow you to thrive as a family. 

Hormones 

It is almost comical how wild your hormones are during pregnancy and postpartum. I truly don’t recognize myself some days. I can feel the hormones surging through me. I wonder if this is just who I am now. I snap at the dumbest things. Simple tasks seem so huge and like a big deal. I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me. I have never been a crier or emotional, but I can’t even count the number of times I have looked at Kody with silent, giant tears running down my face. There is usually no reason behind these tears, and we laugh about how ridiculous these silly hormones are. 

I have always been anxious, but Postpartum Anxiety is a different level of unease. I get so scared that Marlow will stop breathing or never wake up. Thank you for the invention of the Outlet Dream Sock monitor. I lay in bed, and my mind races through all the horrible things that could happen to Marlow or stress about my never-ending ‘to-do list.’ Luckily, the rational part of my brain can talk myself through the craziness. Hormones are a wild ride. 

Kody + Skylar + Marlow = Family   

Kody and I share a vision of what we want our lives as a family to look like, and we actively work together to fulfill that image. 

There is nothing easy about transitioning to parents. As a couple, it tests you. Discussions need to be handled with care. Kody and I know what type of people we are as spouses, friends, or family members. However, we are learning who we are as Marlow’s parents. Everything is new. We do not revolve our lives around Marlow. We integrate Marlow into our lives and bring her along for the ride. 

I had no idea what to expect coming into motherhood. “Is being a parent what I thought it would be?” Honestly, it’s better. Life without Marlow doesn’t make sense anymore. 

I Fell in Love for a Second Time

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Being pregnant is similar to riding a roller coaster. There is excitement, fear, anxiety, joy, and anticipation. At my 36-week appointment, I asked my OB if she had any advice as I prepared to become Mom. She replied, “Spend as much quality time with Kody as possible in the next few weeks. Go on a road trip, watch movies together, and go out for a nice dinner. Your life is about the change forever, in a wonderful way, but you’ll never have this time of only Skylar and Kody again. Don’t wish these last few weeks away. Enjoy them.” That is not what I thought she was going to say. I was expecting a list that included the following:

  1. Preregistering at the birth center.
  2. Ensuring my breast pumps are working.
  3. Prepare frozen meals.
  4. Have a formula on hand. 

I left my appointment that day with thoughts of the Kody and Skylar era coming to a close. In the following days, I admitted to Kody that I feared having a child might change us. I didn’t want our relationship to change. I loved Friday movie nights. I enjoyed the car rides to Libby when we chose not to talk but to listen to an entire country album. I’ve even come to appreciate waking up early on Sunday mornings to watch Formula 1. I knew we could still do all those things with a child, but it wouldn’t be the same. Life would never be the same. These thoughts of our relationship forever changing were at the forefront of my mind leading up to the due date. 

On another note, when you are pregnant, everyone (and I mean everyone!) loves to share their story. I heard at least four birth stories a week from close friends to complete strangers. I didn’t mind hearing others’ stories. It was a good reminder that every labor and delivery is different. I listened to others’ advice, recommendations, and warnings. I ignored and forgot what I didn’t fancy hearing. Of all the guidance I received, everyone failed to tell me I’d fall in love a second time. No one mentioned it, yet it has been the best part of this 10-month journey. 

You might be thinking, “Of course, you fell in love with Marlow.” Yes, that is true, but I loved Poppy -> Marlow long before June 24th. I didn’t have to fall in love with her. She imprinted on my soul the day she was conceived. 

People failed to tell me that I’d fall in love with my husband all over again. Kody was supportive and understanding of all my emotions during pregnancy which I was beyond grateful for. I expressed to Kody on multiple occasions that I feared labor. He usually shrugged it off and said I’d be fine, but when it came to the real deal, he showed up in every way possible.

Many Mommas have told me that the labor process becomes a blur after some time, and we soon forget the pain and discomfort we endured. I don’t want to forget. I don’t want to forget how Kody walked with me down the hallways as we waited for contractions to begin. I want to remember how the nurse and I forced him to leave to get food when he refused to leave my side. I want to recollect him telling me how proud he was of me during hour 3 of 4 of active labor. I want the memory of him holding our daughter for the first time stuck in my brain forever. 

We knew our relationship would change as we transitioned from a couple to parents. However, we didn’t know that we would witness versions of each other that we’d immediately appreciate and adore about one another. I’ve always been in love with Kody, but I didn’t anticipate falling in love all over again. It’s been the best blessing that everyone forgot to warn me about. 

The Kody and Skylar era now includes a Marlow, and I believe the best is yet to come for this family. 

We Got Married!

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Find Friends is a wonderful App. I had been locating Kody since 3:15 pm to see if he had left work because we had an appointment at 4:00 sharp at the courthouse. At 3:45 pm, I called Kody from home and told him he probably should meet me in the parking lot so we wouldn’t be late. I looked down at what I was wearing, shrugged, and walked out the door with our marriage license. Waiting for the judge to call us back, we both chortled at the fact that Kody was in his work clothes, and I was wearing joggers and an oversized sweatshirt. Ten minutes later, we walked out of the courthouse hand in hand, happily and officially married. I hopped into Kody’s truck to head somewhere to eat, and we both started laughing. How incredibly memorable this experience was! Pregnant, empty courtroom, drove separately from our jobs in our work clothes! Kody said, “I can’t wait to tell Poppy about the day we got married!”

At age 25, I was living my best life; fulfilled, whole heart, and genuinely satisfied. I spent the school years teaching. I looked forward to Mondays. Fridays and Saturdays were spent in a gym coaching basketball, or I was heading out of town to meet friends. In the summers, I lived like a gypsy, only going home long enough to do laundry before heading off to another adventure. In the quiet moments, I did a lot of soul-searching and journaling about my current lifestyle and the future. I can honestly say I was at ease. I had let go of the All-American Dream of marrying and having kids in my twenties. I wasn’t even sure I wanted that life for myself anymore. I didn’t want to tap my breaks. I didn’t want to settle down. I was living a life that offered all the satisfaction my heart desired.

Kody came into my life in 2019. It wasn’t like he swept me off my feet and vice versa. It took us over two months to find time to go on our first date. Sometimes it’d take us two days to reply to each other’s text. Clearly, Kody was in the same place I was in life. Being in a relationship was not a priority. Although my instinct was to have one foot out the door, it was hard to look past how similar our core values were, with family and faith at the peak of our pyramid.

So how did such a casual relationship turn into a courthouse wedding? We both made the gamble in 2020 to say goodbye to our very settled lives and move to Kalispell together. We started unfamiliar jobs in a new town with few friends and no family. We had no one to lean on but each other. There were some tough days. We had to learn to communicate our needs and wants with respect. We learned to offer space when one needed independence. We learned how to be selfless within our relationship. For the first time in my life, I would get excited to go home at the end of the day. I stopped wanting to spend my evenings in the gym and the weekends out of town.

2020 turned into 2022.

We knew we were going to be partners for life. I wasn’t going anywhere. Kody wasn’t going anywhere. We didn’t necessarily need each other financially or even emotionally, but we chose to share a life. Life was better together. I didn’t desire to get married. I have nothing against marriage but I wasn’t interested in a wedding. We talked about getting engaged, but that’d be weird if we had no intent on having a wedding.

I remember conversing over coffee with a good friend when I was back home visiting. We talked about my move to Kalispell and if I regretted leaving my life in Fairfield behind; the coaching, my family, and all my friends. It was an easy response. “Yes, I miss Fairfield, but if I could go back and do it all over again, I’d make the same decision. Fairfield isn’t home for me anymore. Kody is my home.”

So how did two people who agreed not to get married get hitched at the courthouse?

Contrary to what many of our friends and family believe, we did not get married because we were having a baby or for insurance or tax reasons. We got married for all other reasons.
We married at the courthouse because it was our intimate way of committing to each other. We married because we chose each other. I still pick him over everyone else, even on his bad days. Kody loves me harder on days I am hard to love. When the bad times come, we are not going to run. I don’t care if we are rich or poor or if our rings are diamonds or made of silicon. I want to hold his hand until we are a hundred. If the worst happens and one of us falls sick, Kody is the one I want to sit in the hospital with. I would go to the ends of the Earth with him. Kody is the joy of my life.

Body Image and Pregnancy

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I love to learn. I spend much of my free time scanning articles, reading Blog Posts, or listening to Podcasts on topics that interest me. Information is abundant on the internet regarding almost all aspects of pregnancy; sleeping hacks, what to pack in your hospital bag, postpartum recovery, etc. However, body image and pregnancy are rarely discussed in conjunction with one another. Yet, they are undeniably connected – in my opinion. 

A woman’s body undergoes many physical, emotional, and hormonal changes during pregnancy. My gym shorts started to feel tighter around week six because of bloating. And breast growth! I was not prepared for that lovely development. Then, slowly, throughout the weeks, my body has continued to grow, and grow, and grow. Yes, my body (not just my belly). As my body transformed to become a home for a baby, my mind started to ridicule itself for falling short of achieving what I thought was the ideal pregnancy figure. 

Body image is all about perception. Body image is about the emotion, thoughts, and feelings that the physical representation of our being elicits within us. One’s relationship with his/her/their perception of self is unique and deeply personal. 

If you scroll back to previous Blog Posts, it is no secret that I have struggled for years with my own perception of my physical self. For as long as I can remember, standing naked in front of the mirror meant scanning my raw and exposed frame for blemishes, defects, and inadequacy, leading to a life struggle with body dysmorphia and anorexia athletica. 

Given my history, it is natural for one of my ‘pregnancy fears’ to be terrified about my body image during pregnancy. Obviously, priority #1 is a healthy baby. Still, I do not want to slide into old habits of negative self-talk, the desire to control, and just making poor choices. 

Around week 16, I kept asking Kody if I looked pregnant or fat because when I looked in the mirror, I thought I looked like someone who’d indulged in a few too many desserts over the Holidays.

I had a habit of calling myself fat for a couple of weeks. Kody, lovingly, told me that fat was no longer a word we would use in our house. He explained, “What if Poppy called themself fat? I know you wouldn’t allow our child to talk about themself that way. Our child will learn how to love themself from watching and listening to you.” 

 A few weeks after that, I pouted as I threw clothes out of my dresser, trying to find any tank top that wasn’t too tight that I could wear to the gym that morning. Aside from the weight gain, my skin started to change dramatically. I’ve never worn makeup, and I’ve been blessed with a clear complexion (even through puberty)… until now. My cheeks are permanently rosy, and it looks like approximately seven zits could surface at any time. 

The second trimester is strange because you, as the pregnant woman, notice how round you are becoming, but you don’t necessarily look pregnant. Regardless our fears are real. They are our reality within our perception of self. It’s okay to struggle with those fears. It’s also necessary to embrace them, work through them, and then let them go. 

Three Ways To Love Yourself During Pregnancy 

  1. Stop comparing yourself: Everybody and every body is different. It’s difficult not to compare yourself to friends and family members who are slim and slender. You know, the type they don’t look pregnant at all from behind and keep their chic figure with just the tiniest, cutest baby bump. Every pregnancy is different. Trust that your body is doing exactly what it’s supposed to do. Have faith that your body and the baby’s body are working together in harmony. 
  2. Nourish Yourself: You cannot control the transitions of your body throughout the pregnancy or even the size of your bump, but you can control how to nourish your body. I’ve noticed that if I select healthy food choices, I am less likely to be lethargic, have negative self-talk, and be more pleasant to be around. 
  3. Express Gratitude: Take a step back and acknowledge how seriously incredible it is to be growing a human inside of you. It is normal to feel insecure, have fear, and have bursts of anxiety. Instead of getting caught up in worries and uncontrollable factors, focus on gratitude. Remember that there are women out there that are dying to be in my position right now. Show your body love by taking care of it, nourishing it from the inside out, and being gentle with how you talk to yourself. 

I was told the other day, “You look beautiful pregnant.” Those four words meant everything to me. I will never again engage with a pregnant woman and not disclose those four simple words to them. 

First Trimester Woes and Wins

by Skylar on category

The Good and The Bad in Pregnancy 

Pregnancy is such a special and unique experience. There is power in creating life inside of your body. We always hear about pregnancy’s joys and beautiful parts: the glow, the bump, and the creative Instagram photoshoots. Yet, we rarely hear or speak about the less attractive and more challenging moments that come with pregnancy. 

As I write this, I am past 20 weeks, over halfway there! I am writing this blog post because the process is wild, especially in the first trimester. At times, it can feel lonely and overwhelming. Knowledge is power – the power to control the fear, the anxiety, and the shame of admitting that things aren’t always great. I am not in a position to provide any knowledge or advice regarding this topic, but I can share my experience. I hope it can ease the mind of all pregnant moms, those preparing to be moms, and those who want to be moms. What I am ethically trying to say is pregnancy can be fucking hard. Everything is transitioning – your body, your home, your world. Anyone would struggle with that from time to time. You are not alone. 

What Saved Me 

The first trimester can be all-consuming. It’s a huge thing happening in your life. Not many people know about the pregnancy, and you often don’t feel like yourself mentally, emotionally, or physically. Even if you feel blissful and are one of the lucky few who feel great, the first trimester can be tricky to navigate. A few things I ‘accidentally’ did (and I say accidentally because I had no damn clue what I was doing) made the 14-week period bearable. 

  1. I had a Person: At the point in time when Kody and I started talking about having children and what our timeline looked like, I reached out to a well-trusted person in my life, my cousin Kelsey. I confided in Kelsey about my concern with fertility, when I should get on daycare waiting lists, how children will change the dynamic of Kody and I’s relationship, and so much more. Kelsey holds a wealth of knowledge between her experience with her kiddos and over a decade of work as an OB nurse. Kelsey was, and still is, my safe place. She provides honest advice while offering comforting support. Weeks 5-11 were my most challenging thus far. Implantation cramps scared the hell out of me. Was I already showing, or was I bloated? Are boobs supposed to hurt this bad, and when do they stop growing/swelling? Is it normal to fall asleep while sitting straight up? I was ALWAYS tired! I still remember texting Kels in the middle of the day, freaking out that I had been drinking herbal tea nonstop. Apparently, too much herbal tea can cause miscarriage, and I was drinking A LOT. Her response was so chill that it completely took my anxiety away. (FYI: After further research, herbal teas are 100% safe to drink as long as FDA regulates the brand). Having one person that was always a text or phone call away, that knew all my dirty details, saved me from going down many Google search rabbit holes. Kelsey saved me multiple meltdowns by providing me with her safe ear. Kelsey is the person who has been willing to travel my journey with me unselfishly. Find your one person. 
  2. Telling People: The internet will suggest not telling people you are expecting until after your first trimester. Logically, that makes sense because, statistically, the probability of miscarrying after the first trimester significantly decreases. I knew we were not telling family and close friends until we made it through the first trimester. That was non-negotiable for both of us. On the other hand, I value transparency. Although I don’t show emotion through crying, I will verbally communicate every emotion I am feeling to those I spend time around daily. Pregnancy provokes feelings and unwanted symptoms, and it wasn’t that I couldn’t hide or suppress those at work, but I didn’t want to. I spend more time at work than at home, so I told my co-workers after our 6-week ultrasound, along with the coaches at the CrossFit gym I attend. I knew the consequence of releasing the news would be telling them if I miscarried, but I was okay with that. I believe in vulnerability, and telling the people I spend my days around allowed me to feel all my feels and be 100% transparent on my bad days.
  3. Communicate EVERYTHING with Your Partner: Before conception, Kody expressed that he could only support me if I were honest about what was happening inside my head. From then on, I found time to communicate my needs, wants, and emotions to Kody. I would tell him I needed to spend the weekend sleeping when exhaustion took over. I told him when I wanted him to encourage me when I was feeling defeated about my body changing. I told him when I was feeling agitated, sad, or fearful for no particular reason. I was scared a lot in the first trimester. I was terrified to do something that would hurt the baby, but I was mainly afraid of miscarriage. Kody frequently reminded me of two things: 1) what happens to us happens for us, and 2) nothing is wrong with the baby until we have a reason to believe something is wrong. I had a difficult time getting good sleep early in my pregnancy. I was experiencing terrible insomnia. It was early Saturday morning, and since I didn’t have to go to school, I decided to wake up. Maybe some hot tea and the recliner would help the cramping I was encountering. At 3:00 am, you don’t pay much attention when you use the bathroom, but when I looked down, all I saw was blood. I didn’t take the time to respond. I reacted by running upstairs and shaking Kody awake. My voice was shaky, so it took me three times to say that I may be having a miscarriage before Kody registered my words. I went to the bathroom, sat down, and started sobbing. Kody walked into the bathroom and said, “You need to stop crying. I don’t think that you miscarried. Let’s go downstairs and watch a movie until you fall back asleep. What movie do you want to watch? And you need to stop crying.” I said, “The Grinch.” Kody’s response may seem insensitive to you, but if you know me at all, he gave me exactly what I needed. I needed to be told everything was okay, but most importantly, I needed him at that moment, which is what he gave me. That Monday, we went to our doctor and were told I had a subchorionic hemorrhage. An SCH is bleeding under one of the membranes surrounding the embryo inside the uterus. Although I was restricted from all exercise, there was a heartbeat! I can’t imagine going through this process without a supporting partner. I am most grateful for having a partner who hears me. I genuinely believe that having open communication has allowed us to voice our fears and excitement throughout this journey. 

Well, there you have it! 

Probably more detail than anyone asked for about my first trimester: the ups and downs, the moments of weakness, and the accidental wins. There is beauty in surrendering to the process for those of you who are used to being in control. Acknowledging that pregnancy, what I am doing right now, is more significant than me. I hope that some of this information can be a resource. Most of all, thank you for the outpouring of love and support for us and our lil one. 

Cheers, friends! 

✕